Inventions - Steal and I will find and kill you.

I'm desperate to get on Dragons Den, here are a few of my inventions.

Dildlight – I'm no sexist, but I've yet to meet a woman who can lay their hands on a torch in a power cut, but, and amazingly, and probably something to do with me personally, I have never known a woman who cannot lay her hands on a significant length of latex cock, eg a dildo, fuck stick, love length, disco stick, call it what you will, now, there are two ends to this, the battery end, and the pleasure end, I have designed the Dildlight, which has a torch on the other end, which is powered by kinetic energy, so needs a punchy slogan, “hit the clit, to get well lit”, which is actually repulsive, erm, masturbate to illuminate? Better these (please) Testing will begin soon with a fluorescent tube and more than likely on my budget, my own arse hole.

Teas-maids, great invention, sadly outlawed by every single electrical safety convention on earth (and space, you cannot according to the Russian Space Agency, have one on the Mir), you can still get them on ebay, but you could always go to sleep with a flask of hot tea and a fucking alarm clock, what do you really want when you wake up (no, after blow job), a bacon fucking sandwich, unless you are a Muslim or a Jewish, in which case it couldn't be a worse start to the day (unless they woke up together??) Anyway, for lovers of all things porky, I bring you, Bac-awake (pron BAKEAWAKE), a George Foreman style grill but in the shape of a cheap plastic vacuum formed pigs head, set the timer on the snout, go to sleep, and then its “hands off snake, for bac-awake”, erm, women can use it too, but would be something like 'hands off labia for some pork ciabatta' (No) all assuming that everyone's first thought of the day is ritual masturbation of course.
So, you've woken up to the smell of cooking pork, all you need to do now (after you have established that its not you aflame), is get some ketchup, turn piggies left ear for this, and ketchup comes out of the eye. Lovely. Sleep experts have warned that it would be possible to murder your other half in anticipation of bacon, mistaking the pigs head with that of your partner, especially if she is of a larger disposition and has a flat ungainly nose and pointy ears, experts have warned that it could be possible to wake up to a cadaver, chewing lazily on their ripped out tongue with eye juice running down where you have tried to get some ketchup. A risk worth tak'on, for some morning Bacon? - One of the things that I cant quite get my head around is what happens if you have been farting all night and its trapped under the duvet, Bac-Awake comes on and you waft, will there be an explosion, not a risk I'm willing to take, perhaps it will be safer to not drink 9 Stella and eat a large kebab. I might put a methane sensor on Bac-Awake, although this will take it above my RRP of 299 sterling (325 for the deluxe model with authentic pig snort alarm).

I'd also invented Pigarettes, which was a pork based tobacco made from whats left over at the pork scratchings factory, sometimes in the morning, we are too busy for a cooked breakfast, if you were too scared to have a live cooking device next to your highly flammable memory foam bed you can smoke your swine, and seeing as smoking is not classed as eating, these may, subject to testing, be open to all faiths. They would also appeal to rebellious types as they would definitely cause cancer rather than dipping their toes in the terminal sea like normal cigs.

I went to Kew Gardens the other week, and although I never paid to get in, I noted that it would have cost $13.50 to get in (pounds, I don't have a pound sign on my computer). I also noted that the payment window was about 3ft from the ground, and came up with an idea for a tray which attaches to your chest allowing you to run, slide and glide under the eye line of the booth and get into scores of places for free, possibly football matches too. The name for this device, the cheapskate (thanks to my unwitting marketing partner for the name, her ability to come back with a cracking name for one of my inventions is both phenomenal and also reassuring as it means she is actually listening. Anyway, she doesn't want to be named, your secret is safe).

Human hemorrhoids

I'm not really a believer in destiny or fate, although some strange things have happened in my life that have pretty much shaped it and only seemed to have happened due to a bizarre set of circumstances (fate, I hear you say) no, a bizarre set of circumstances, I think I've covered that, you astrology reliant fuck funnel (sorry).

If I was to believe in fate though, I would believe that I'm fated to have to deal with all the cunts of the world, the bum feeders of life, living hemorrhoids, the ones who are put on this earth (you could say its their destiny) not to create things, make a difference, leave a mark, change something, save people, no, just simply to annoy the fuck out of others, they usually live to about 90 too, they go from annoying pedantic children, to sycophantic adults, right up to moaning old codgers. Their sole purpose in life to make the journey of my life a little bit more difficult, not that I'm important or anything (but I do believe that the whole of everything around me is of my making and the people in my life are figments of my imagination created to bring me pleasure and/or pain – I'M ONLY JOKING) Anyway, these people, these barnacles on the gooch of life, simply gravitate to me during my simple daily routine and make mundane things like traveling flick from doable, to mildly irritating, right up to, I suddenly want to scoop their face off slowly with an silver spoon (blunt). This is a tribute to you..

Supermarkets – You fucking nags who turn your trolleys sideways and natter incessantly about nothingy things, you are usually down the embarrassing isle, gobbing away to Trace or Lisa, Ohhh, I know, so I said, and then he said, and then the donkey made a noise and then he said, and I.... All I want to do is get some stool softener or anusol, and I have to navigate around you while you watch. And you at the till, pale fuck face, buying your mung beans, and bean-curd in your little life saving hemp bag, unpacking it at the till, then repacking it while all manner of poor hard working** cunts like me queue behind you waiting for your to take twice as long and paying with cash to save the <1 nano-watt needed to work the card machine. If you are so worried about the world, you could always kill yourself, your vegetarian gastric combustion's and constant trumpeting probably produce a far more harmful effect on the ozone layer than a normal eater, for when a fart is merely a fart. Please shop at non peak times with the elderly?

**employed

Public Transport – You've seen the bus a half a km away, the talking bus stop has told you in no uncertain terms that the 319 will be here in 4 minutes, you have been party to this information, but you get on, just in front of me, and then you cant find your Oyster card, you spend 8 minutes doing this, when you finally swipe it, it bleeps, because its been at the bottom of your ridiculously large bag for ages, because you probably normally drive a large people carrier and block the roads up. You then insist that its got credit on it and get into a spat about it with the driver, tutting in a cunty way, you then have to go back to your bag and fish your large purse out, you only have a 20 pound note, the driver cant take it, you argue again, meanwhile behind you, the other people waiting to get on the bus are tutting and sucking their teeth and making all manner of hand gestures to you, one of them (usually me) has sucked their teeth so hard that they have almost swallowed their tongue, another enraged passenger has sucked so hard they have imploded, and one of them has even wished full blown aids on you, I've given up and walked off, I'm so angry I could cry. I really think you are a steaming new shit, and I hope you get a visit from the Herpes fairy soon. I also want you to get hit by a bus, but not die, but bleep a lot awkwardly with your family standing round you in the hospital like some sideshow curio, you even bleep in an irritating way.

Also on buses. groups of “yoot's”, thanks for getting on my bus, while I struggle to hold my attention enough to actually finish a book, and then for talking in a broken version of Klingon, playing your crappy garage/dubstep shit out of your over the top loud mobile phones, I never say anything because I like the feeling of being unstabbed, but I want to come over and play classical music louder than your tinny shit, I also want to throw your phone out of the window and run down and river dance on it while you pull that stupid pre-knifing face because you have been “disrespected”. I feel for you because you are probably unplanned, unloved, uneducated and unemployable, I understand this, you put the C and T in UN, and you make life a tad miserable for everyone apart from your similarly unintelligible 'brethren”. You wont be reading this, because you cant.
Tube drunks, thanks for believing that everyone around you thinks what you and your dopey mates are doing is cool, wrestling, singing, swinging on things, peeing puking, snogging loudly like a wildlife programme. Anyway, I don't wish death on you, I was you once. I just want you to know there is life after this.

Morning birds, Whoopedy fucking do, its the morning, don't you get bored of singing your stupid be-beaked hearts out? Yes, its Thursday, great, bully for you, got and get a worm or something but please fuck off until about 8am, evolution, I want badly to climb to your nest and slow roast you in front of your chirping young and suck the meat off your bones with some Reggae Reggae sauce, then teach your young the virtues of silence by gluing the beaks.

Foxes – I've never liked you and today this was justified, you twin baby eating ginger, stinking, flea ridden bin bag ripping dead pet digging up, duck murdering, bum bats, you make neighbourhood watch that much harder, screaming like a gang rape because you cant get the lid off the wheely bin or you are in some dispute with another one to spray your smokey bacon smelling piss all up someones house, or a bus stop, or whatever takes your fancy for that matter. I hate huntsmen more than I hate you, so I don't really know how to deal with you?

Babies, thanks to all parents for bringing your precious screaming little should-have-been-a-wank baby into my ear space while I'm trying to zone out or relax and them merely watching them scream and crying out for something simple like a cuddle or a tit or for you to just dangle your fucking keys down for a few seconds, they will 98% be completely amazed by this, and stop, if they don't its probably meningitis and you should leave the train immediately. Thanks for doing exactly nothing to stop it, while it traverses the colour spectrum from summer poppy to light scarlet red right down to ribena berry black. It could have stopped breathing and you wouldn't notice, just standing there in an irresponsible semi insane paralysis.

Lol'ers, RAOTM, lmao's and incessant status posters or tweeters: Is there any need to exclaim that you are laughing, especially as you are not, “going to bed, LOL” - Nanna is on fire again LMAO” - Its deceit, you are not laughing, you are desperately trying to reach out to the world with your sad little life and try and fool someone into thinking you are happy, when you are actually a fucking mess and should probably go for urgent counseling and get on a course of SSRI's. Same with the incessant posters/tweeters, who are you kidding, why don't you just put the truth on a post, “I am desperately lonely and I want and need the warmth of another human being – LOL....”

People in Barbour Wax Jackets, why do you always sit next to me, you smell of hot sweat and dung?

Apart from that, I love everything and am a happy soul....xx