I'm not really a believer in destiny or fate, although some strange things have happened in my life that have pretty much shaped it and only seemed to have happened due to a bizarre set of circumstances (fate, I hear you say) no, a bizarre set of circumstances, I think I've covered that, you astrology reliant fuck funnel (sorry).
If I was to believe in fate though, I would believe that I'm fated to have to deal with all the cunts of the world, the bum feeders of life, living hemorrhoids, the ones who are put on this earth (you could say its their destiny) not to create things, make a difference, leave a mark, change something, save people, no, just simply to annoy the fuck out of others, they usually live to about 90 too, they go from annoying pedantic children, to sycophantic adults, right up to moaning old codgers. Their sole purpose in life to make the journey of my life a little bit more difficult, not that I'm important or anything (but I do believe that the whole of everything around me is of my making and the people in my life are figments of my imagination created to bring me pleasure and/or pain – I'M ONLY JOKING) Anyway, these people, these barnacles on the gooch of life, simply gravitate to me during my simple daily routine and make mundane things like traveling flick from doable, to mildly irritating, right up to, I suddenly want to scoop their face off slowly with an silver spoon (blunt). This is a tribute to you..
Supermarkets – You fucking nags who turn your trolleys sideways and natter incessantly about nothingy things, you are usually down the embarrassing isle, gobbing away to Trace or Lisa, Ohhh, I know, so I said, and then he said, and then the donkey made a noise and then he said, and I.... All I want to do is get some stool softener or anusol, and I have to navigate around you while you watch. And you at the till, pale fuck face, buying your mung beans, and bean-curd in your little life saving hemp bag, unpacking it at the till, then repacking it while all manner of poor hard working** cunts like me queue behind you waiting for your to take twice as long and paying with cash to save the <1 nano-watt needed to work the card machine. If you are so worried about the world, you could always kill yourself, your vegetarian gastric combustion's and constant trumpeting probably produce a far more harmful effect on the ozone layer than a normal eater, for when a fart is merely a fart. Please shop at non peak times with the elderly?
**employed
Public Transport – You've seen the bus a half a km away, the talking bus stop has told you in no uncertain terms that the 319 will be here in 4 minutes, you have been party to this information, but you get on, just in front of me, and then you cant find your Oyster card, you spend 8 minutes doing this, when you finally swipe it, it bleeps, because its been at the bottom of your ridiculously large bag for ages, because you probably normally drive a large people carrier and block the roads up. You then insist that its got credit on it and get into a spat about it with the driver, tutting in a cunty way, you then have to go back to your bag and fish your large purse out, you only have a 20 pound note, the driver cant take it, you argue again, meanwhile behind you, the other people waiting to get on the bus are tutting and sucking their teeth and making all manner of hand gestures to you, one of them (usually me) has sucked their teeth so hard that they have almost swallowed their tongue, another enraged passenger has sucked so hard they have imploded, and one of them has even wished full blown aids on you, I've given up and walked off, I'm so angry I could cry. I really think you are a steaming new shit, and I hope you get a visit from the Herpes fairy soon. I also want you to get hit by a bus, but not die, but bleep a lot awkwardly with your family standing round you in the hospital like some sideshow curio, you even bleep in an irritating way.
Also on buses. groups of “yoot's”, thanks for getting on my bus, while I struggle to hold my attention enough to actually finish a book, and then for talking in a broken version of Klingon, playing your crappy garage/dubstep shit out of your over the top loud mobile phones, I never say anything because I like the feeling of being unstabbed, but I want to come over and play classical music louder than your tinny shit, I also want to throw your phone out of the window and run down and river dance on it while you pull that stupid pre-knifing face because you have been “disrespected”. I feel for you because you are probably unplanned, unloved, uneducated and unemployable, I understand this, you put the C and T in UN, and you make life a tad miserable for everyone apart from your similarly unintelligible 'brethren”. You wont be reading this, because you cant.
Tube drunks, thanks for believing that everyone around you thinks what you and your dopey mates are doing is cool, wrestling, singing, swinging on things, peeing puking, snogging loudly like a wildlife programme. Anyway, I don't wish death on you, I was you once. I just want you to know there is life after this.
Morning birds, Whoopedy fucking do, its the morning, don't you get bored of singing your stupid be-beaked hearts out? Yes, its Thursday, great, bully for you, got and get a worm or something but please fuck off until about 8am, evolution, I want badly to climb to your nest and slow roast you in front of your chirping young and suck the meat off your bones with some Reggae Reggae sauce, then teach your young the virtues of silence by gluing the beaks.
Foxes – I've never liked you and today this was justified, you twin baby eating ginger, stinking, flea ridden bin bag ripping dead pet digging up, duck murdering, bum bats, you make neighbourhood watch that much harder, screaming like a gang rape because you cant get the lid off the wheely bin or you are in some dispute with another one to spray your smokey bacon smelling piss all up someones house, or a bus stop, or whatever takes your fancy for that matter. I hate huntsmen more than I hate you, so I don't really know how to deal with you?
Babies, thanks to all parents for bringing your precious screaming little should-have-been-a-wank baby into my ear space while I'm trying to zone out or relax and them merely watching them scream and crying out for something simple like a cuddle or a tit or for you to just dangle your fucking keys down for a few seconds, they will 98% be completely amazed by this, and stop, if they don't its probably meningitis and you should leave the train immediately. Thanks for doing exactly nothing to stop it, while it traverses the colour spectrum from summer poppy to light scarlet red right down to ribena berry black. It could have stopped breathing and you wouldn't notice, just standing there in an irresponsible semi insane paralysis.
Lol'ers, RAOTM, lmao's and incessant status posters or tweeters: Is there any need to exclaim that you are laughing, especially as you are not, “going to bed, LOL” - Nanna is on fire again LMAO” - Its deceit, you are not laughing, you are desperately trying to reach out to the world with your sad little life and try and fool someone into thinking you are happy, when you are actually a fucking mess and should probably go for urgent counseling and get on a course of SSRI's. Same with the incessant posters/tweeters, who are you kidding, why don't you just put the truth on a post, “I am desperately lonely and I want and need the warmth of another human being – LOL....”
People in Barbour Wax Jackets, why do you always sit next to me, you smell of hot sweat and dung?
Apart from that, I love everything and am a happy soul....xx
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