Its 2011, I’m 36, and I’m still on earth. To add insult to injury, I still catch a train to work, I still eat normal food based food, I still (occasionally) have to go through the rigmarole of dating, just in the hope of getting sex, I’m still typing this bullshit with my fucking fingers and not my eyes as I'd expected. Frankly, I’m disappointed, on all fronts, 2011 is not the futuristic techno holographic virtual fuck fest I thought it would be, we have to go to a shop called Currys or PC World to get the latest in “high tech” shit, purchased to briefly elevate our hugely under evolved lives to a non suicidal like just slightly above tedious. We still scratch out balls for fuck sake (and whatever women do) and smell our own farts. This isn’t the technological age.
I used to sit as a child watching programmes like Space 1999, that had me believe that we would be living off earth, battlestar gallactica, we would be fighting robots of our own creation, Street Hawk, a fucking gormless prick on an embarrassment of a motor cycle racing through towns at over 100mph Ok, some of it has come true, the core structure in all of these shows is that we have fucked the earth up, so well done to humans for coming good on that. We haven’t even been to the moon yet (allegedly) and we are fighting machines of our own creation, just today I called my new Windows 7 machine at work a fucking useless gibbering overly helpful drooling fucktard of a computer, and if you live in Southend, you will no doubt be inundated with motorcycle mounted pricks.
I’m still sitting here on a 5 year old craptop, typing like some sort of trained ape, I thought by now I would have been wearing some sort of computer glove like in minority report, pulling screens, moving sideways like cyber mime artist, grabbing the news from the left, pulling share prices from the right, sliding the football results in from the top, Mars Ultras 2, Neptune phantoms 1. This glove I speak of, might become a bit awkward when the user invariably pulls in some “space porn” probably some omni vaginal she-T character and starts wanking, how will it work, the screen will be flying up and down with every stroke, do they take the glove off, will that turn the thing off? Fuck, ok, maybe we are not ready for that, but as it stands where are we, technologically? We are no closer to getting into space for sure. You might be fooled by Richard Branson’s commercial “space flight” if you consider flying a bit higher than a 747 as space, then, well, good luck with that, you fucking idiot, you wont see Klingons and shit.
I remember watching Buck Rodgers too, I was young, I had urges to do things to Erin Gray in her spray on trousers, I wasn’t sure what exactly, but I imagined that people would be wearing stuff like that today, the only ones who do, are joggers, people who still run home from work, like primitive people, and a time in the 80’s but it soon faded out, we are still in normal earthly clothes, ok, we have technologically advanced materials like Gore-Tex, but that’s just worn by walkers and sex offenders.
I think technologically, we think we are doing better than what we are, people whimsically sweeping over Ipads and Ipods happy as Larry, oh, get me, I can run 200 concurrent apps on my phone, take high def movies and geo map every place I have ever had a shit in London, as well as analyse that shit with my ipoop app, ooh, need more protein, ok, the battery only lasts 45 seconds, but fuck me, it’s a great almost minute.
All well and good, but because we haven’t actually evolved as a “society” in tune with Apple/Sony/Nokia, we have only really strived in making nice shiny things for people to steal, punch your face, and rush off to Cash Converters.
I have an Xbox 360 which can do something like 30 terra flops of doo dars a second, giving me photo realistic Grandmothers to run over in games like Grand Theft Auto, the sound of their hips breaking in THX Dolby duplo triplex stereo bass boost the bollocks 5:1, great, I still sit and urge for the fun of games like sensible soccer, IK+ kick off, player manager. It’s not all about the shiny graphics.
Technology will be the undoing of humans, not like in terminator, we wont all die from a nuclear holocaust caused by revolting self aware PS3’s strangling people with scart leads, or anything, I think we will more like just drop down and die of boredom while all the skilled tasks we used to do are taken over by machines. There is something lovely about going out, taking some photos, developing them, learning how it could be better; now, digital photography makes it possible for any fucker to take professional pictures, 12 mega prick-sell upskirt pictures of girls on the underground etc.
Any fucker can sing because of auto tune, any prick can spell because of spell check, everything is being done for us, and we are turning slowly into featureless effortless emotionless mouthless blobs, like the Roswell Aliens, or Gail from Coronation Street.
Even porn, no longer do young men have to run the shameful gauntlet of plucking up the heart pounding courage of walking into the local shop and trying to retain a look of normality of buying Club or Mayfair magazine, getting the single acknowledging eye brow raise of the shop owner (who has probably glued half the pages shut before hand, porn mag prima nocta), rushing home thinking about the things you are going to do to that big titted bird with the perm on page 27, and planning on reading the double page story about the surviving crew of the nuclear submarine (you don’t) (I did!) Now its all done for you, three clicks and you can have a stoutly built Swedish lass heaving a huge turd log into some poor geeky looking shit obsessed perverts mouth (if that sort of think tickles your proverbials).
Kids don’t play out anymore, probably because they can do all their socialising on pervebook, or paebo, or whatever the latest piece of shit is called, yeah, but this ones like totally cool because I can like send virtual gifts and stuff, “Hey”, “Hey, how’s it gong”, “Yeah, cool I guess” “So like, erm I like totally, like erm….And meaningless micro talk like that.
Probably also too scared to play in the street because of the huge swathes of paedo’s the internet has awoken and people looking to live out their Grand Theft Auto fantasies.
Dating/relationships haven’t come on at all, I thought by 2011 I would be able to plug my cock into a computer and fuck Sharon Stone (circa 1985, or now actually, cor) or whoever, even that Swedish gob shitting woman 2 paragraphs up (no thanks) but no, I still have to go out and drag myself through “dates” talking the same old shit to different people, I could probably just send a tape recording of the crap I was going to say, and they could hear it, decide if it was funny/intelligent enough to get in their knickers and then have sex with me or not, or whatever…**
**Prospective dates reading this, please note, I am just coming out of a cloud of abject cynicism and extinguishing the fires of bitterness that have raged over me for probably a bit too long now, and will be a nice, decent honest bloke again very soon, and promise I wont clock watch if we go out (as long as you are not a lying head fucker) (or have vagazzling) (or talk like in that awful text speak) (or are a materialistic gormless slack jawed dummy) (or dislike beards) (or cant handle the fact that I have a child) (or you have a beard).
Also, I’m still having to cook food, what the fuck, I thought I would be able to come in from work, I say come in; I mean re-materialise where I live, and consume strange plasticine like blobs containing all the goodness I need. No death involved and plenty for everyone, and no shitting, just download nutritional data into a robo toilet, like a scat R2D2.
I would be able to enjoy all the tastes of India without almost gassing myself in my sleep, farting as I roll over, so loudly sometimes that I wake up screaming thinking it’s a terror attack with my room smelling exactly like that Saag Chicken, and having the indignity of my paid for meal spraying out of my arsehole like an Egyptian riot hose.
Travel, I still have to run the gauntlet of twats in mornings just to get onto a really old fashioned train, which is about 40 degrees in the summer. I should, as I say, be able to get in a “transporter” and get a Scotsman to “Energize me” to my place of work. And it needn’t be on this planet. I could do some sort of lunar admin work, logging moon rocks into some sort of space spreadsheet or something as NIGGLINGLY INSIGNIFICANT AS I AM DOING ON EARTH IN 2011, FOR FUCK SAKE!
Another example of how we are not doing as well as we believe, look at animals, what man hasn’t stared at a dog for a long period of time while it noisily licks its own cock and balls, and even its arsehole sometimes, with green eyed envy, wishing they could retire to their rooms and roll into a pleasure ball and stay there for ages.
If dogs could talk, and you could ask the question, would you swap your self fellating ability for a tablet based device that can get your emails, read the news, play games, watch movies etc, the dog would tell you to fuck right off, and probably start growling and if forced, might rip yours or your child’s face into ribbons. They can also smell illness and see ghosts, that tail wagging tongue lolling shit is an act, they are just playing dumb, while you sleep your dog probably speaks to spirits and transcends the earth to places we could never go.
Sharks, a shark can smell a fart up to 30 miles away, ok, its hardly something we would want, but they have evolved with nature, grown into their environments, and are masters of the sea. We have allowed technology to impinge on our natural development.
Had we not invented the television, Xbox, internet, we would probably be psychic, twitter would be a huge network of conjoined minds sending telepathic messages, entire works of literature at the blink of an eye, art, states of mind, ideas, philosophies, not 140 characters of crap, like exactly what I will be doing in about 30 minutes. By the way, if you read this, I’ll probably be talking about the “beetroot poo” I’ll be having tomorrow and thinking I’ve got bowel cancer before remembering I ate about 13 beetroots earlier. Wow, the bleeding edge of technology, utilised by a state of the art human..Fuck me.
Well, without wishing to be too damning on things and the state of humanity, we’ve kind of lost our way, missed the boat. We’ve spent too much time doing silly things like making Hydrogen Bombs, allowing the worlds natural resources to be plundered by shit hole Politicians, sat back and looked the other way while entire species fade off the planet forever, in 20 years time, you will never see a live Kakapo parrot and countless other species, rain forests decimated, and worst of all, we’ve allowed reality television to creep into a prominent position, Cheryl Cole is really famous, but nobody actually knows why, it just seemed to happen, how the fuck did it happen? Kerry Katona gets more tabloid column inches than the entire plight of Africa and the despairing situation in Afghanistan and Iraq. Simon Cowell practically runs music, a little old Irish botox ravaged closet wobbling quasi queen Louis Walsh actually has a say in what band will be rammed down your throat like some sort of audio fois grais.
The world is hanging on like a turd while the collective hand of humanity cranks up and down as hard as possible on the flush, hypnotised by bad adverts, unattainable celebrity image and shitty technological nick naks designed to make you feel like everything is ok, the buzz of ring tones and receipt of text message, email or mention in a tweet drowning out the call of your own soul to just turn back and start returning to nature, where the real happiness is. It’s never too late, and you never know, we return to the old ways and elevate ourselves to previously unknown levels of spirituality, and things like yoga and we might, eventually, be able to lick our own balls? I’d trade my Xbox in for that tomorrow.
Ah fuck, the Xbox is kind of good though…
Its not all bad, to our credit, humans have done some wonderful things, the George Foreman health grill amazing, soda stream, wizardry, who would have through that in 2011, you could buy a laminator FOR THE HOME! And emboss paper with plastic sheets, technically waterproofing it? Flutes are pretty cool? All that noise from that little thing? A shiatsu massage cushion FOR THE HOME!?...
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