Don't get me wrong, I'm a pretty nice guy, but a couple of little things fuck me right off, namely, crowds, cunts, groups of youngsters, older men with stupid little artisan impractical beards, massively disproportionate age difference gay couples when the younger of the two is Brazilian and usually just getting bum turked for a visa, anyone with a mohawk, silly little 'funky' coloured spectacles, anyone wearing a necklace with 'bonkers' or 'Dippy' on it, attention seeking cant let the past go ex junkies and cainers, markets, locks, really small dogs, DM boots, piercings, tattoo parlors, emo's death metal people (Don't get me wrong, I'm all for individuality and self expression, but I'm 51% in favour of communist style uniform system and no self expression of any kind) anywhere beginning with C (apart from Clapham) and anywhere on the northern line where the tube station acts as a junction allowing you to traverse both the Bank and Charing cross branches.
Given all the above, why I went to Camden Market was beyond me, I had a couple of hours to kill so against advice I went up there, as I had only been there a couple of times before a much younger and tolerant man. I left the station and was hit with a sea of colours and smells, it was like a fabric vomitus. I walked down towards the Market open jawed at the amount of fucking weirdos about, pretty much all of the above, added to that mix, tourists, dordling open jawed shuffling euro exchanging fucktards who make navigating the pavements of London a complete misery, take your strong Euro and fuck off.
I got to the Market and could see the walls of expensive and poorly printed T Shirts, the like of Che Guevarra, The Sex Pistols, and general play on words shit, the pope smokes dope etc, over priced, wear once and throw out due to shrinking in the wash type crap. I could almost sense that some poor young bloke had come up to the market to buy himself a trendy over priced top to wear out clubbing tonight and would just end up about 120 quid down and covered in sick, blood and probably some sort of excrement (London is harsh).
I was only about 8 minutes into my visit and passing ever weirder people and now practically seething through gritted teeth and jostling my way along the pavement wondering, where is a shoe or rucksack bomber when you need one? An explosion would help to speed people up and send a large proportion looking for somewhere else to spend their money.
As I was getting close to the Camden Lock, I quickly decided that I was 'Cunted out' and turned on my heels and back on the tube to Angel. I was there about 12 minutes in all and it was the worse 12 minutes of my life, how I imagine I would feel if I was arse raped on Hampstead Heath on a damp Thursday night. The only saving grace of the day was the fact that I walked past Lowry Turner in Islington without punching her in the face deciding quickly that although she is a big tongued annoying TV gnome, that nobody deserves punching in the face.
There is seldom a time when the use of Hydrogen bombs should be considered, but I believe in the case of the freak show that is Camden, there could well be a good case in point, not to evaporate everyone of course, I wouldn't want to see the patrons screaming while their clothes were burnt off their bodies and the skin enveloped off their arms, legs and faces while piercings melted and dripped down like metallic tears (and I was in a nuclear proof suit trying to save everyone using huge jif lemon dispensers) no, not that at all, you sick fuckers, I mean just to clear the place up a bit and start again, wider pavements, more space in the market and ban all the people in the first paragraph. The same goes with Borough Market to a certain extend, its in my top 3 bestis places in London, but its too fucking packed and some of the market traders are just taking the piss with their prices because the frequenters are just blind to the prices now, I cant stand paying over the odds for stuff. (I am writing this in a pub where I have just paid 3.80 for a pint of Heiniken). Anyway, I've decided to never go there again, no matter what.
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