Experts!

If you've ever listened to our podcast you would know that quite a few things annoy us, one thing that gripes me possibly more than rush hour tube train travel, are "experts".

An "expert", basically a fucking Billy Big Bollocks on a chosen subject, most likely friendless tank top wearing bespectacled Jack of one trade uber saddo who probably cries themselves to sleep at night in a lonely small flat surrounded by books on their chosen subject, and plaudits and pointless awards from pointless bodies that seek to turn simple things into high science and complicate it quickly out of the realms of beer drinking dum dums and tabloid reading slack jawed corporate whore cattle consumer fuck dogs.

Prime examples of the overuse of 'Experts' are as follows. I frequently feel the hair stand up on my palms when ever a news article comes on that involves "travel", its a case of not if, but when "Travel Expert" Simon Calder is going to pop up like a big flailing train spotter to tell you, in his expert opinion, what is happening in general travel, and what to do about it, or what he would do. "Travel Expert", I can imagine him out and someone crosses the street diagonally and him rushing up to tell them, in his expert opinion, that it would have been easier to walk straight across the road and thusly save 1.84m of travel. Or at the airport, expertly traversing the check in desks, practically able to levitate to gate 36, banging on the pilots door telling him that it would be better to go to 37,000ft and da da da da. I have nothing against the man, in fact, when I see him I think of what it would look like if Stephen Hawkins climbed out of his electro-trolley, turned the speak and spell off and screamed "its a miracle". I've seen him cycling up near Shadwell enough, so if I did hold a grudge I could have kicked him off his bike (being an assault expert) but seriously, who gave him the title of travel expert? Fuck sake. What next, some cunt with a medal going out to Africa to be-title someone as a starvation expert, or an aids expert (aidspert?)

Another one who annoys me, although the title would describe her as not someone who is lonely, is "Relationships Expert" Linda Papadopoulos, who again, pops up on TV like burnt toast whenever some D list shit for a soul whore has been dumped by her pug faced footballer boyfriend, using her expertise to give us valuable insight into the mind of the moronic phone anal inserting more money than sense cunt bag of a cunt. "Well, I think by having intercourse with the pensioner, he was trying to say da da da da" fuck off, and fuck you too, so what if you have a degree in head-fucking from the University of Shaftville in Vaginia.
Only two things could possibly make you a "relationships expert", 1) You've had sex with everyone (No, that makes you a bit of a dirt bag) or 2) You've stayed with the same person your whole life and made it work through a raft of circumstances, in which case you have no place telling me how to deal with a break up or how to make my relationship better**? Again, I have nothing against the woman personally and I'm sure she is very good at her normal job, but lose the Golden Dildo award and title of "expert" that comes with it. Its an offense.

**I'm single, and I've let several relationships fly out of my hand like wet squeezed soap and resort to nights furiously masturbating like a sad angry Gorilla, an xbox 360 my only friend, any advice you can give me, gladly received?

Lastly, and I'm not even going to name the woman, but she is apparently an Australian "risk expert?" - "Excuse me love, there is a lion in my house, and I'm wearing a zebra print jacket, is it safe for me to go inside and watch Hollyoaks? - No. Thanks for that. This silly woman was on my telly last week pouring over a so called foiled terror plot in which Mumbai style attacks would happen simultaneously in Hamburg, Paris and London. A terrible prospect, yes, but she confidently pissed out that if this attack had gone ahead, it would have been worse than 9/11?!, erm....[awkward silence?]...[nasal breath sounds] I don't know if you saw any of 9/11 love, but if you didn't, I will give you a brief snapshot, TWO FUCKING PLANES FULL OF NICE PEOPLE FLEW INTO TWO MASSIVE FUCKING BUILDINGS AND BROUGHT THEN DOWN WHILE THE WORLD WATCHED LIVE, THEN ANOTHER ONE, FULL OF PEOPLE (apparently) FLEW INTO THE PENTAGON AND KILLED IT, THEN ANOTHER ONE FLEW INTO A FIELD AND KILLED SOME GRASS AND CROPS. It was hell on earth, we were all extras in a Die Hard film and thousands of innocent people died. I'm no terror expert (and nor are you love) but that, in my 'umble opinion IS GOING TO TAKE SOME FUCKING BEATING. 9/11 was the Asian Tsunami of terror attacks (by the way, the Asian tsunami was the 9/11 of natural disasters, just to be clear). Fear mongering fox news type nonsense. Anyway, I wont get too political about the nature of the terror/freedom charter in the world, but it just falls into my 'expert' rant, I fucking hate it, I'm not watching any more news, I'm putting my boot through the TV tonight and I'm going to smash my radio into tiny bits and stop consuming the vast waves of crap that are coming out of it.

I'll then get up Sunday and rush down to Comet or Currys and being without a radio and TV is a perfect excuse to buy another one, I'll get a nice Sony Bravia "the bollocks" 5000hz 4D 500watt more colours than the eye can see and a radio that plugs directly into your mind (using a scart type lead). I expect that while I'm there shopping, I will be approached by some Armand Van Helden bearded turdlette proudly sporting the badge A/V expert, on seeing this I'll pull my leg back until it touches one of my vast glute muscles and arch a kick as hard as I can into his balls (which are probably surrounded by a small line of pubes in the same manner as his face). Stamp on him, tear my shirt off, oil up, and scream like King Leonidis in 300 and tear the place up needing 12 officers to arrest me. I'll then get a custodial sentence and spend about a month in Prison where I will be penetrated by someone larger than me in for handling stolen goods, and it will hurt like hell. At this point I'll probably regret writing this blog and promise that when I am released I will change my ranting ways.
Eventually I am released and put into the hands of an ex offender counsellor, on our first meeting I'm told he is an "expert" at dealing with reintegration into society. I roar like a lion with piles and tear my shirt off and...........

Dick - Podcast expert.