Is it just me, or are there far too many Vampire based programmes on TV? Every new programme aimed at teens/young adults seems to feature these clean cut handsome (male) or sexy (women) vamps, (that is if you find pale vegan pallid aidsey looking types attractive).
These tampon sucking be-fanged fucks have crept onto our screens and into the psyche of young people. Since the original Buffy, we now have True Blood, Vampire Diaries, Vampire Hunters, Being Human, and Twilight, and lots of other blood spraying shit.
I don’t know why these plasma partaking piss pots have suddenly become sexualised and the new big thing. I’ve never even been able to give a girlfriend a cheeky love bite without getting a massive tut and a “for fuck sake I’ve got college/work/nursey tomorrow” etc. As far as I a can see, programmes that involve anything to do with night walkers, sun intolerant haemoglobin hoovering fucks will only encourage something none of us like, the Goth. Saturating our TV with fangy faddish fucks will make the Goth believe that they are a) Cool and b) required, they are neither of these things, make the sign of the cross and send them back hissing to their black walled bedrooms to stare at pentagrams and contemplate suicide, I don’t want to see them, walking with their black greasy arse length hair heads held high, in their ¾ length leather trench coats in the middle of an Indian Summer. No, don’t put sun block on and come out, stay inside doing online gaming all night drinking energy drinks and praying to Satan and fucking around trying to talk to the dead etc.
Don’t get me wrong, I don’t have anything personally against Goths, I just don’t want to see them out on the street in the day, the sun glaring off their cacophony of piercings. These programmes will encourage this. No, stay in and use messenger programmes to talk, or not talk about stuff. “Hey”, Hey, Like how’s it going? Ok, I guess. So like do you fancy like, hanging out? No, I’m like totally staying in and playing like some other life for like totally......You get the message.
I’ve calculated that by 2017, all programmes will be vampire themed if this trend continues. Even Eastenders. Poor Minty will head down to the Queen Vic for a quick pint and end up getting sucked dry by a now immortal and flying Dot Cotton, it doesn’t bear thinking. Heather, despite being transformed into a night walker, will use a pair of pliers to get the fangs out as they affect the speed and velocity that she can wolf Belgium buns and doughnuts. She will still come out in the day to go to Londis, the burning UV will take ages to affect her fat orang-utan face.
I expect as I write this a whole raft of girls will probably be having a good old frantic finger frig watching that weird looking bloke from Twilight, posturing on the screen with a tampon hanging out of his mouth like a sanitary James Dean cigarette. I can’t see the appeal myself, as much as I love Kate Beckinsdale, the thought of her fangy mouth round my old chap fills me with both fear and disgust. I’d still give her one though; I’d probably use her fangs to anchor her down on the pillow while I worked her from behind. I’d probably ask her to shower first, coming out of all that leather and kicking the shit out of stuff all day.
And horror films, again, ruined, sexualised, it used to be that you could use good camera work and psychology to create a pant pissingly scary horror film. Now its crud like Saw and Cabin Fever, where pretty College types are strimmered, batted, twatted, sliced, diced and cubed while the “sexy murderer” in the background gives themselves a breast exam and a smear test with a hand blender.
Shove the whole lot up your arse.
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