I'm sitting here now, my whole body trembling in anticipation, the thought of getting my hand on something long, something sleek and magical (so that’s my penis ruled out then) finally getting alone with it and turning it on (so, if it wasn’t before, that’s definitely my penis ruled out) slotting something inside it and watching the magic unfold before my eyes (its not a vagina either, its not a sexual organ at all, well, it sort of is. Its the new Sony PS Vita, I want it, I want it, I want it.
I would have had it too if it wasn’t for the following facts. 1) I’m 37, almost 38 years old. 2) I have an 8 year old hammer handed child who I have not allowed to have a 3ds because its too much for his little eyes. 3) I need to be financially sensible with uncertain times approaching. 4) I have a girlfriend, and we live together, and although we are not financially bad off or dependant on each other, I just feel guilty spending what would amount to paying out £300 for what is essentially a gadget (A LIFE CHANGING, ALMOST SEXUAL GADGET, NEXT GENERATION GAMING ON THE MOVE, THE THING I DREMPT ABOUT AS A CHILD, AND ALMOST UP INTO MY 30'S..) plus I owe her money..
I've had two dreams about owning one, which is sad in itself and I've gone through the rigorous process of trying to justify buying it to myself. I have brought other gadgets in the past with the promise that some feature of them will help improve my life, a palm pilot, this was going to help me to be more organised, it didn’t, it just served to be a portable device to view porn on, right back to a Psion Organiser II, the two lines of text, and 64kb expansion pack was just enough ram to write a suicide note on, to explain to the world, that at about 18 years old, I was a complete and unabridged tool, the method of suicide, just beating myself around the head with it, It was heavier than a house brick.
I've made some very big mistakes with gadgets and technology over the years. I was one of the first people in the UK to own a Gameboy, I paid I think well over £200 for it to be imported over on pretty much on the same day it went out in Japan. I had people staring at me on the underground, most likely not amazed by the gadget, but at the face I was pulling, screwing my eyes up and looking like a pig in a gale, trying to understand the sea of blur on the screen to see what was Mario and what was a hole in the floor, Tetris was ok, so essentially I'd paid close to £300 to play Tetris on the tube, my open jawed amazement serving only to breathe in more carcinogens. What a tosser.
I also made the huge mistake of running around the shops after I got my first (very low paid job) like some fat Sultan of Brunei. I got rejected from every credit check in every shop I went in, this wasn’t helped by the fact that I was applying for credit to get "everything". The final shop I went in was the now defunct Rumbelows. To my trouser rubbing pleasure, I saw that my dodgy mate was working in there, I explained my credit plight and he did a few tweaks on the computer, changing "trainee structural engineer" to “Consultant Architect” and adding a couple of zeros on my salary. This all meant that I was able to be one of the first people to own a Dolby (pro logic) Surround TV, which cost me well over a grand and weighed more than Rick Waller after an all you can eat Chinese Buffet. I also now owned a VHS video recorder that could rewind a full tape in 15 seconds (snapping some of them) and allowed you to plug a microphone in and dub over films, I did this with most of the ones in the house, to sometimes humorous effect. I was often called a cunt when someone would try to watch one of them and hear my bad Schwarzenegger impression over it (regardless of the film..).
Worse was to come when I discovered Championship Manager on a 486 PC round the same dodgy mates house (who helped me in Rumbelows). A two day session without sleep, an almost murder over the attempted 3 way signing of text based Pele "Viktor Leonenko" and several spits on the computer screen like some strange fat angry managerial cobra. I decided, I had to have this game. Only problem was that I didn’t own a PC, or have any money.
My credit rating was improved with the epic Rumbelows agreement, PC World were more than happy to sell me a Compaq Presario Pentium 1, 166mhz PC with a full gig of hard drive and 64mb of Ram, which is probably the power needed to just start up one of today’s smart phones. I started to play Championship Manager at home and eventually lost two years of my life and got my first grey hair. The fact that I have got Tottenham Manager from 1995-1998 on my CV raises lots of questions at Job interviews, but the way I see it, I have lived the stresses of a Football Manager and I raised the European Cup with them, why can’t I reap the fruits. The interviews usually terminate early, if its not the football thing that does it, its the next entry, Baltimore detective. I went through the stresses of the Wire and thought fuck it.
I don’t know what became of my Gameboy, the TV ended up on a skip, as did the Compaq, as did my numerous other ill thought out gadget purchases. The day I traipsed around London for 8 hours going to all the old haunts trying to get my fat claw on something called a PC Engine GT, which was essentially a games console that was never released here. I ended up having to practically grovel to get a market stall owner to sell me theirs, I would have probably sucked his cock for it, I kept that card to my chest, thankfully he wasn’t that way inclined and instead just fired a couple of salvos up my back passed, I pressed a couple of hundred pounds into his hands and limped off with the machine in my bag, happy days (happy day, erm, happy about 4 hours or something until the novelty wore off).
Back to the Vita and the reason for this self confession of bleep gadget patheticary, I spoke to my girlfriend about it and explained "well, it’s like a PS3 but as a handheld, incredible bit of kit, and would save me money, I mean if I wanted to get my XBOX online, it would cost me £50 for a wi fi adapter and the same for an Xbox live account, whereas with the vita, I could sit in the front room and play online with no wires!!" I expect she just heard me repeating over and over "I’m a c**t, I’m a c**t, I'm a c**t, I’m a c**t,im a c**t, I’m a c**t" I then slipped into the conversation that if my mate blows me out for our trip to Poland, Latvia, Hungary next month I'm going to use the money to buy one, I told her I would need something to cushion the blow...
So, what next, I've talked over the finances in my head, I can afford one, I wanted the girlfriend to say "If you want one, and it makes you happy, just buy it" - Well, I actually wanted her to say "I love you, I want you to have one, I fully support you, I'll buy you a couple of games, something like this will better you as a person, I love you, I'll go and buy it for you, its your birthday next month, I love you, I won’t stop until you own one, you are my Viking love god". She has said nothing, she has no opinion either way, she knows not the murky twatty inner workings of my brain..
Next (and I mean in the next few minutes, I'll walk to HMV, I'll touch one, I'll see how it makes me feel, I won’t buy it today, I'll smell it, I'll see if it talks to me. (OH JUST BUY IT YOU HAIRY TURD!!) No, it’s not that simple any more. Leave me be while I go through my gadget ritual...
Update - I have been through phase 2 of the gadget courting ritual, I went to HMV where they are selling it with a free game (Fifa, the one I want) thankfully they didn’t have a display model, or I would have been rubbing up against it like fat Ipswich based lorry driver (haulage) picking up a hitch hiker. I managed to walk out, bit hot under the collar and called the girlfriend twice, she didn’t answer, She called me back at work so I thought I would test the water and told her I had brought one, I said I'd tried to call her to get her to talk me out of it and she didn’t answer, so in a long math’s way its kind of her fault.
I was merely testing the water, if she had said something like "Oh well, its your money, do what you like" I might have gone back and got one, or "You are my Viking love god" etc.. I told her I had brought one and bunked the afternoon one to play it in the park and that it was wicked. There wasn’t much of a reaction, but from the strange clicking sound on the phone, I could tell she was thinking I was a bit of an immature prick.
Phase 3, I will demo one, I will play fifa and imagine myself running through blossoming fields, me and my vita, hand in hand, stopping and sitting down to send an email, or a tweet, downloading something over the PlayStation Network before skipping home....
The reality of the above fantasy would be me on a 432 bus, cutting my J**s eye trying to fit my p**is into the mini memory card slot before getting violently mugged and my face nicked by a butterfly knife by angry hooded youth and having my yet to be purchased Vita ripped from my wanty trotters, watching the four or so fuckling bouncing off doing that silly "hip replacement walk" and my credit card details getting raped off the PlayStation Network.
I'd get up, summon strength like hulk Hogan and rush after them into the belly of their beastly council estate, the first one coming up with his trousers round his arse doing arthritic hand gestures and giving me an illiterate talking to about disrespecting him. I would surprise him (and me) by executing a perfect axe kick, getting my leg about my waist for the first time since I foolishly tried to self fellate sometime in the 1990's. My foot cracking down onto his collar bone, following this up with a straight right, knocking him out cold, his eyes rolling in his head like a slot machine. The second one would run at me with his butterfly knife out, an errant stab, I would grab his arm and throw him about 12ft in an arcing motion through the air, he would land on his neck and probably end up with the same nervous system as a boiled turnip, somewhere in one of the tawdry flats, his mother would feel a twinge in her womb, where her offspring had been turned into essentially something of the same cognitive ability as a spilt cup a soup. The others would run, but I would be enraged and chase them, catching them like a horny hungry lion, hunting to impress the females. The first one letting out a cry as I take him down, a single punch to the temple(s) knocking him out for the duration of a long all inclusive holiday, he would have duty free, but it would be the duty to not be conscious. The last one, I would let him go, to give his dopey mates a graphic description of the mixed martial arts extravaganza that just happened and to say that if they see a man who looks like an angry Poseidon, not to f**k with him. I would take my stolen vita back, hold it aloft and break it in half, a lightning bolt would come down as the Gods acknowledged my mortal strength and I would be serviced (down there) by Angels with dirty mouths**
** The reality is, I would literally piss my pants on the bus whimpering, "I've been stabbed" and "Is my face hanging off?" People would actually find me quite pathetic and probably walk away.
I'll update if I buy one and hope it fares better than the psp one that ended up gathering dust in a drawer.
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