Geoff and Lorraine - A Romance Part 2

Geoff stood in Lorraine's kitchen, drunk and lusting, slowly swaying around in a circle, like a child's spinning top, once eagerly spun now coming to a slow stop, or more accurately, swaying like a drunken feckless Northern cunt, which is exactly what he was. Lorraine had gone to the toilet, now regretting that chicken dhansak that was playing havoc with her arsehole, an arsehole, it should be noted, that Geoff wanted to drill like a pile driving device on a building site.

Lorraine tried in vain to freshen up, daubing talc on her messy organ, which looked a little bit like a young David Gower after a head first fall 15ft onto a large lump of flint. As she poofed the white powder, a fart crept out making a tiny white cloud, she rushed to the toilet realising that she was “turtles head” except this turtle had come a cropper in a large blender accident. As she sat and strained a large fart hailed the coming of a hot stream of magma hot post curry shit, she tried to stifle the arse grunt with a cough but this just made her fart again, the entire ensemble sounded like an angry brown bear stubbing its paw on a well build art deco style sideboard. Geoff heard, but was so busy thinking about turning Lorraine's fanny into a hot hairy chicken kiev.

Lorraine was firing out hot chocolate now in pulse with her arsehole sounding like it was attempting to do human beatbox, and was worried that she might even shit herself if she had sex with Geoff, like something out of a German specialist porno, it was too late to go back now and thankfully the heiny heaving ceased, and she now only had to deal with the smell, which was a bit like a Bombay riverside massacre on a hot day. To get rid of the spell she sprayed impulse, hair and fly spray and even lit a match, making sure her cloud like perm was well clear of any of the naked flame. She left the toilet ashamed but knowing she had done her best to mask her arse carnage. She made small talk coming out of the toilet, “It would never have lived, its eyes were too close together”, chortling nervously.

Geoff too needed the loo, but being a boring typical and usually racist spice tard chicken Korma cunt , his guts were better off, as he entered the toilet the mix of various chemicals hit him hard, like the Kurds in Iraq that Geoff had seen all dead on the news and didnt care much that time. He instantly began to wheeze and realised he had left his asthma inhaler in the car next to his cigarettes, trouble was, his car had been destroyed in a fire 5 years earlier. Geoff wheezed and farted his way through a horses piss of semi filtered Mild ale.

While he was in there he started to have a little kneed with his balls and prick trying to get the blood going, it was like a sad reproductive smaller scale version of the pottery scene from the film Ghost (God rest your soul Swayzee, I love you). Not much was happening in Geoff's nether regions, and this wasn't the first time. Nervously Geoff left the toilet, a final fart following him like some weird arse stalker, he too made small talk, “fuck me, if this smell hangs around much longer it will end up claiming asylum” laughing, Lorraine laughed nervously and offered Geoff a drink, she went to her scantly stocked fridge and offered him a small can of beer, she poured herself a large tia maria.

There was awkwardness, the electricity of the factory flirting was now replaced by the reality of how little they actually knew each other, Geoff had been married before and Lorraine had had a few men come and go, literally, nobody ever stayed until the morning after firing their balls baggage up her. Eventually they both made their move, at exactly the same time, moving in and donking there foreheads, reeling back and composing themselves Lorraine grabbed Geoff's hand and led him towards her bedroom, Geoff wheezed as he passed the toilet which still smelt of a mix of eastern spices, hot shit and beer fart. His penis was practically internal.

Lorraine's bedroom was decorated in the manner of a woman who was no good at keeping a bloke, her bed was adorned with stuffed toys from her childhood and loads of toot everywhere, pointless keepsakes and other such shit that make some men such misogynists. Geoff paid no mind to this childless bullshit, bent down to put his small beer on the floor, farting as he did and saying “more tea vicar” and started to take his brown high polyester content going out suit off. Linda was removing her dress, her un-sun kissed lard coloured skin with several large moles did enough to distract Geoff from her horrid off white bra and knickers, Geoff took down his pants, that were that were sadly the only garment he was wearing that wasn't brown, they were in fact also off white, the off white was actually brown, a skid mark from an over ambitious fart. He tried to hide this from Lorraine but she saw as he pulled them down, he quipped “me pants have got go faster stripes” thrusting his hips and making an ohh sound as he did, breathing some life into his comatose organ which looked like a forlorn Kojak looking dejected and at the floor while wearing an awful baggy prawn coloured roll-neck.

Lorraine pulled her knickers down her pubic hair region was large and unkempt and looked somewhat like a Roman Spartan defending off an attack from a Yeti with his shield, or 70's Dave Lee Travis photographed from above. Lorraine lay on the bed, there was still no life downstairs, the penis was acting like it was having a relaxing evening on a pair of large beanbags and had taken the phone off the hook. Geoff decided to bide some time while going down on Linda, he gently pulled her legs apart looking at her fanny which breathed out it odour in the manner of Darth Vader taking his helmet off to reveal the head of a cod. Geoff tentatively stuck his tongue out, like an ill dog pondering over eating its own shit. He received a small alkaline shock as his tongue touched her crèche kebab. This wasn't going to help re-establish contact with his coitus claw, which hung lifelessly between his legs. He ran his tongue up and down, it was like licking Kevin Keegan after a cup final, Lorraine moaned, but it was akin to the moaning of fat matriarchal type, moaning that the rubbish hadn't been put out. Geoff thought dirty thoughts and tried to get his mind back to filling her up with womb humous and finally he got a line through to his penis which answered tired and effortlessly like a pole vaulter on a final jump managing to vault under the bar, there was some life in it and Geoff concentrated hard and imagined he was on a hot beach eating a mackerel flavoured cornetto. Suddenly he was in business and now there was enough saliva and asthmatic phlegm on her cuntrance to garner entry. He moved up, trying to be like a puma on the prowl across her shapeless body, but managing to look like a Labrador cross wrenching in the final throes of distemper.

As he moved up Lorraine had a bit of a curry cramp and moved her leg sharply, kneeing Geoff right in the balls. The erection retreated like Italian soldiers in WW2 and suddenly Geoff was back where he started, trying to salvage his paltry erectile remnants. Eventually Geoff managed to summon enough to get something inside her and he heaved away on top of her, he pulled out at the final minute to spray his Onken over her woeful mishapen and sagging breasts, he watched down as the piteous streams came out of his half awake member like a very small moray eel vomiting bechemel sauce. Opening his eyes and looking down, he realised that the muller yoghurt was actually a fruit corner, he gasped and realised that there was blood in his semen. Lorraine shrieked and ran to the bathroom to clean the ghastly effluent off. Geoff instantly went into a high state of anxiety about prostrate cancer and promptly considered a cab home.

They spent the next few hours in awkward silence while outside the night was suddenly filled with the sound of a fox getting run over by an Austin Maxi, they both stared out of the window as the twitching ginger beast lie there with its own entrails coming out of its mouth like a repugnant speech bubble.