I confess, I am a technologically quadraplegic. I understand the concepts and I know all the new shit that exists, for example, phones that know you are looking at them, which probably suggests some sort of power saving functionality, but in my paranoid brain merely suggest that Samsung have a grubby avi mp4 file of EVERY single galaxy s3 user pulling a dirty stroke face while wanking off over one of the glut of free porn sites over some bouncy silicone cum magnet in high definition. Similar to this is the xbox kinect, which has 3 cameras so staff at microsoft probably sit there laughing while you move like a complete cunt playing some ninja game, or drive like an idiot with a pretend steering wheel, or again, titter at you while you rub away in a crumpled fuck huddle, waiting for a spunk genie to emerge from your meat lamp.
I've coped for years without delving into the shiny world of the latest technology. On the news I always hate the usually fat single man who sleeps for 3 weeks outside the apple shop in Oxford Street to get his wanking claws on the latest tablet or iphone which is only a little bit better than the one out last year. I imagine the sad little cunt cant wait for 4G to come out so he can get his pointless little shit spits about life and pictures of cool sunsets up onto the internet and underline the fact that he probably burns at night in almost suicidal loneliness, but at the same time feels safe with the digital umbilical cord that all this tat gives him and hopes that a he will meet a kindred spirit on the digital super highway. He wont, he dies alone, some brain ailment, caused by all the rays and shit from his tech tat.
Anyway, fuck him, back to me. Like deliberately holding a piss in and then, finally, while in white hot pain suddenly exploding it all out is so satisfying, I have finally started to delve into the world of tablets, androids and touch screeny shit. Its hard to justify a tablet, in comparison to a laptop, its a bit like befriending a multi limb loss amputee, they can do stuff, talk and what-not, but when it comes to big tasks, they just sit like massive frowning peanuts, confused, dribbling and eventually crying. That said, able bodied mates (laptops) can be right twats and want a massive night out, when all you want is a phone call and a quick chat.
So with that really quite offensive analogy in mind I brought myself a blackberry playbook, for 129 quid (no pound sign) I'm writing on it now, and its really good. I brought it home and the girlfriend pointed at it and then laughed at my penis, girls don't like gadgets, they think its a weakness in men, she has since happily accepted the one I brought for her the next day, and then got her mum to buy herself one. I thought it could do an array of things, which is does, without me having to go through the aztec ritual of getting my old huge laptop to power up, which, if I start at 6.30pm will be on the log in page at 11pm, the next night, after making the street lights flicker and causing a power outage in parts of Kent.
I don't read many books (as you can probably tell) but one of the tasks I had in mind for the tablet was an "ebook reader". I'm going away soon and I thought I would buy a couple of books from KOBO. I like reading factual stuff, or Jeffrey Deaver. Being new to this I was expecting a logical pricing to books, given that rather than it being lovingly printed, trees felled, covers with that raised gold lettering hammered into it by midgets, it would just be a whispy data fart down a phone line, the cost would be much less, given there was no actual product, just the memory of one? To my horror, and repulsion, in most cases, the ebook was more than the actual paper one, I was horrified, and a bit angry, to be honest, a little bit of piss came out, so flexed where my muscles.
Some books were free, classics, but from thousands of years ago, Dickens, erm and other ones (see, I don't read much) but who wants to read that "oh for art thou" shit today, its 2012, people used to have sex with Swans, but we don't do it today, because we've moved on. So thanks but I don't want a free book about some Tudor mincer poncing around wearing a neck ruffle trying to impress some ye olde bitch.
So fuck eBooks and KOBO and Kindle, I hope you get electronic paper cuts on your inter-cocks, I refuse to pay more for something that I have to use my electricity to read and then cant pass on to a mate or give to a charity shop. How can the price be justified? Its the equivalent of going from paying for sex, to paying more, for a girl to pretend to wank you off over a webcam. You feel the vaginal warmth with a book, with a download, its nothing, not even a peck on the cock.
The whole experience then got me thinking about digital media in general. MP3's. When you buy an album, you get a little plastic box, the CD, the inlay, the artwork, the lyrics printed out, and images of the band, either working hard or simply chilling in the studio intermingled with some arty swirls done by some silly earthy girl in fake nerd specs who the entire band are have fucked in every conceivable hole and they are putting arty farty crap in to return the favour.
You are also paying for the pleasure of being served by some omni pierced dozy half open eyed cock ring sporting cunt cabbage in HMV, and pay the rent for the building he is in. Its still overpriced but I get it.
How then, when clicking on a button and downloading the entire album in less time than it takes to punch a seal pup in the face, can they justify the price of an mp3 download being close to the original, it serves to do two things, it makes people more prone to downloading illegal copies, or getting copies from mates, without the DRM to worry about. For the actual band, they are probably oblivious, if its a good instrument based band then I would hope that the buzz is the playing live and filling up gigs and getting a decent cut for their efforts. What they probably don't realise, is on releasing an album, some cokey prick is celebrating on a boat somewhere sticking his tardy semi erect penis up that silly Shoreditch tart who did the artwork bits, there is too much unfair distribution of money in music, boy bands, corporate placed urban groups and manufactured bands, I have no pity for you. I hope that you spend your working days washing the taste of your "mentors" STi infused semen out of your mouths and arseholes, that every single young fan illegally downloads your album and you disband after an especially messy group suicide attempt that leaves at least one of you confined to a petri dish. Fuck you, the simple rule is, if I can make your music on a laptop, its shit. You are there simply as the grain that is forced down the necks of the fois grais ducks that are your young fans, they don't have the intelligence to make an informed decision and will just listen to you because everyone else is, the touch fuse of this mass pillow clutching finger fuck is programmes like Xfactor and American Idol. You will listen to anything, because you are told to.
The only way to save our kids is for EVERY single manufactured band to commit suicide by self immolation outside the office of their record label and for the surviving members of Led Zeppelin to be declared Masters of the world or something.
Another solution, is for a large established artist, who also has so many millions in the bank that they are doing it out of love of the industry, someone like David Bowie or Thom Yorke to start a website called something artist direct dot something or other and host and promote bands using their clout and then offer downloads, or streaming, direct links to tour details and then make sure that the band gets a good distribution of the money, the lions share, but offer tracks at a price where the album can be purchased without artwork for a fair price, I don't know, 2 quid or something? (Oy, that website does exist, its called blah blah) Yep, I know, I said it needs some clout, not some failed cunt signing up any old shit because they are from Shoreditch and wear 22 inch waist jeans, all look like they have aids and play difficult folky songs about lost love, no fuck you. A bigger version of that. Cut the cunts out of the loop.
Fuck HMV too and Ticket Master while we are at it. Everyone making their cut for doing too little at the behest of the artist. Times need to change.
Same with eBooks, cut out the middle man.
I understand that this will put a lot of people out of work, but lets face it, most of the (girls) who do insignificant tasks in music or publishing are quite tasty and they can easily move over to porn or at the very least topless modelling? Solved.
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