I witnessed something special yesterday, something that most people just ignore (unless they are gormless and walk along open jawed like some fucked up land basking shark and end up eating half of them), but in Ant terms, its their Glastonbury festival, the World Cup Final, or to put it in human terms, like when that Primark opened and dick-brained shit people fought pitch battles to get their stupid insipid thrifty claws on clothes that are made out of material which is basically thick kitchen towel and will not survive a single wash.
This unflinching greed in the ant world is the unveiling to any Pratt with eyes, or an open mouth of the super ant, the Andre the Giant of Ants, and to make it even better, a flying version of this mega giga Ant, the flying giant gargantuan mega fucking titan cunt lord of an ant. Imagine if you will an 8 times bigger version of yourself with wings, like Avatar on steroids, you would be pretty impressed? The purpose of this avionic insecta, well, nobody seems to know? One theory is that they fly to find new nests, an other is they fly off and rape other ants to spread their seed, another is that its just a show of force like a Russian Military parade. In any case, the preparation for this huge feat of nature must be immense, like your kids first day at School times a trillion.
The end result of this huge almost biblical natural event, a magical pilgrimage of ant tribes? No, is it fuck, its just pavement full of splattered giga ants, crushed under cheap shoes, I’d imagine that of the billion or so Hyper Terra mega zinger ants that launch, about 3 make it to the promised land and stand there like the end of a Rocky film with nobody to witness the journey, its actually quite pathetic, and shows that ‘God’ shares his humour through the animal kingdom (like human men and their ball bags), if Ants had thumbs they would have fucked us off years ago, they have strength in abundance and live together in huge colonies, if you equate this in human terms, say Newham, where every cunt is stabbing each other, shooting, raping and in most cases not working at all, let alone together. Ants are better than us in every conceivable way, but in earth terms, they are pathetic, and in the order of things, like grains of sand with legs. Keep training hard you little black or red bitches, you’ve got a long way to go before you take the crown off the humans, we will fuck you up and hang your queen on fishing tackle and rape her with a sewing needle. (OH IF BY SOME STRANGE QUIRK THE ANTS TO TAKE OVER THE WORLD AND READ THIS, IVE HAD A BEER, LOOK UP EFFECTS OF ALCOHOL ON WIKIPEDIA, IM SURE YOU WILL KEEP THAT IN YOUR NEW ANT WORLD ORDER, I DIDN’T KNOW WHAT I WAS SAYING, YES ITS TUESDAY I KNOW, YOU WOULD DRINK IF YOU WERE ME…)
Nature does pathetic well, the mole rat, an ugly creature of the highest order that comes out of its hole solely for the purpose of putting its fat goofy body into the talons of a great eagle and dying screaming through its goofy arsehole mouth. If the mole rat was a person at your school you would bully it. It’s the only creature on the planet I enjoy watching get killed, most of the others I sit there sobbing like a menstruating Dido enthusing fat girl who has just recently been dumped.
Aphids, pointless, its ok Glenn Hoddle saying that sinners come back as disabled people (yeah you insensitive once be-mulleted diamond lights singing cunt) but if disabled insects sinned, they would come back as an aphid, these fat sap sucking cow like cretins only live to be brutally raped and eaten by lady birds, or sucked off until they look like Alex Higgins by the same ants that strive to protect them.
Pandas though, pathetic, fuck you idiots, you will become extinct if you don’t have sex, whats the problem?
Donkeys, fight back for fuck sake, bite a couple of kid’s faces, kick the Spaniard who tries to throw you off the church roof? Get a rep, get out of Blackpool, be like the mule on buckaroo? And whatever you do, don’t let Russian business men make you paraglide, buck someone in the face?
Now, nature has its fair share of idiots, but let us give a shout out to the champions of the natural world, the best of the beasts.
Number one, octopi, you smug looking fucks, I’ve always wondered why you look so cool, the squid has a look on panic on its face, but you have that relaxed learned look on your huge face, we all know why now, not only are you psychic, but you can shit like a leaky parker pen? Simply awesome, humans can shit blood, but not on cue or when in danger, usually when they have bowel cancer, nothing to brag about, it might save you a beating in a pub if you can shit some out, but it’s a risk, you might just end up offending people and end up a battered shitty blooded cancerous wreck.
Cows, what is it you know? You four or six stomached full fat milk spraying nutters, we have smashed you into meatballs, burgers, joints, sausages, ground your bones into gravy, licked your spinal columns dry and you still look at us in that strange way like you have some horrible dirt on humans, I reckon you have been fucked by aliens and you can fire lazers out of your eyes or can shit aids into milk (something Nestle have probably been trying in Africa for years) and you are just waiting for your moment, I expect it will be when I am walking through a field full of you, I’ll probably get Bull raped and tortured, anyway, please consider the many years I ate no meat.
Other great animals, Eagles, Swans and pugs, the rest of you should be ashamed and you deserved to be coated in breadcrumbs and shallow fried.
