Tourist Guide to London - Part 1

Tourists Guide to London - Part 1

I love London, I love London a lot. I love it so much sometimes I want to f*ck it, any part of it, a drain pipe, a knot on one of its trees, its a very special place. But the one thing that makes London extra special are you tourists. The ones who make the effort to come here from all over the world and bathe in our rich history and heritage. And in doing so, they don’t get in the way AT ALL, when you are trying to get home after a busy day in the office, oh no..

Us Brits are keen travellers, and always thoroughly read up on our destinations, to make sure that we fit in nicely and don’t bother the locals, and partake in the traditions, such as drinking at least 6 times more than the Government suggested safety limit (for Elephants) and projectile vomiting semi digested kebab meat and pitta bread into the street and, at the end of the night,  getting a mini-cab drivers fat fingers stuck up inside us like Orville the Duck.

In thanks for making the time to come to this lovely capital, I have decided to write a guide, an intimate and indispensable "insiders" guide to getting the best out of the best capital city on Earth, and, in fact the universe. Don't thank me, just read, digest, and get involved. You're welcome..

The Airport

Hey keen tourist, Heathrow or Gatwick? Nothing to see here, the treasures of London await you and are all but a short train ride away, but the fun starts now (unless you want to get out and have a look at Crawley, where, if you are lucky, you might see a child with fins, or even crab claws, otherwise, avoid..

This country was built on Comedy, I mean look at Harlow, Milton Keyns. Or Croydon for fuck sake, mental, well funny. To make sure your UK trip gets off to the best possible start, you can circumnavigate the painful border controls by making a "funny" as you step off the plane, shout, at the top of your voice, that you have a bomb, and drugs hidden inside machine guns. Some men will appear, you won’t see them laughing behind their helmets but they are. They will take you too a room where your comedy skills will be tested to the full by some actual men from the UK hit comedy show "Dad's Army" - He will have a dead serious look on his face, but it is your job to make him laugh, they won’t let you go until you have done so, did the bomb joke work? Try it again, think about your delivery, perhaps try it in a funny accent such as comedy Arab, as portrayed in every single Hollywood film with an Arab in it.

If you do make the guy in the suit laugh, they will take you to a room and thank you by putting a finger inside your anus, this is a tradition dating back to pre-Saxon times, pre-airport! Well done, you are a honorary Londoner! We cant wait to see you and do heel clicks with you on the "Lambeth Walk". Love a duck, apples and pears, fissures and stares, etc.

Public Transport

Make your presence known in London, by going to the busiest tube station, preferably at rush hour, and stand puzzled staring at the ticket machine pressing every button and jibbering in your native tongue "bu bu bub bu buub bu BUCKINGHAM PALACE bu buuub bu bub ANGUS STEAKHOUSE bub buu. COOL BRITTANIA" take 15 minutes, Londoners love queuing behind you and experiencing your different accents, maybe queue at the ticket booth and converse in very basic English to the overweight tube worker "Please I like to go Queen" or "Please Big Ben??" Londoners will be on hand to help you out with a friendly tut, or if you are lucky a "f**k off you c**t".

On the trains, make sure that you stand in the aisles with your suitcases sideways, spread out as far as possible, Londoners HATE sitting down, after a long day in the office with little or no human contact, Londoners like to stand tightly together and feel each other’s reproductive organs pressing into their bums and backs and pancaking their own ballbags against someone else.

In the City

Want to see some street magic?? The best way to do this is to head to Oxford Street and get your phone out and stare at it for a moment, within seconds it will be magically swiped out of your hand, you won’t even see who did it! London has many street magicians that make many things disappear, its free too! Unless you want the phone back? Thats easy too, give it a couple of hours and then just pop into a branch of CEX or Cash converters and they will give it back to you, for some money, easy peas. Dog and Bone, fuck a duck etc.

Need a knife?

One of the things London has in abundance are knives, for all occasions, opening envelopes, cutting bread, all the uses. You don’t even need to go to a shop, simply dress smart, get your IPad (which has a built in knife searching app) and head for Streatham, Woolwich, Brixton, Peckham, or Camberwell, just get the Ipad out, and someone will come and offer you a knife. The ceremonial (and traditional) way to receive this is slap their cap or hoodie off and spit on their trainers while shouting "hazzah", they will then give you the knife, sometimes several times.

Walking about

There are lots to see in London, erm, Bruckenheim Palace, Big Benz, The Two'er of Bumdon and the River Thymes. The best time to see all of these is rush hour, it is called rush hour for a joke (Bloody English sense of humour!) it is essentially the opposite, during the hours of 5 - 7 you are required (by law) to walk in slow motion, stopping at anything remotely photographable and standing there, blocking as many business people as possible from getting home (Brit blocking, see below). This goes double on entrances to tube stations (which are places where people are welcome to go to read large maps, congregate groups of tourists etc, but you MUST do this in rush hour).

Brit Blocking

The British traditionally don’t like to go home, this is a tradition that goes back to Anglo Saxon times where foreigners would invade and stop men from going home to see their wives/girlfriends/children. This tradition is celebrated every day thanks to hordes of tourists, who reliably meander slowly and make going over a bridge or walking down a busy path almost impossible, listen out for tuts and cries of "f***ing c**t" which is Saxon for "Thank you" if you get shoved, simply spit on their suit or shoes, they will then give you a high five (with a fist).

Eating

There are many places for tourists to eat inside London, well, 3 places, there is the Aberdeen Mistake House, MacDonners and Wetherspoons pubs, the good old English pub, make sure you get here for 5.31 and order your food slowly and in broken english, they wont serve you unless you get it spot on, if there is any doubt that you have not used the exact Queenz English your food will arrive cold and sparse, you have only got yourself to blame.

Do not drink the beer in the Wetherspoons, this cats piss is for scum London plebs only, drink only the coffee, the suited plebs will patiently wait behind you while you order your various hot drinks, ensuring at least one of them is made with soya milk.

Enjoy yourself, remember, that London is for YOU, not the pricks who live in it.

Part 2 to follow- Days out, what to do, and a more in depth guide to the importance of spitting and its tradition in London folk lore..