Molestation from the Constellation

Molestation from the constellation

I have few things that scare me on this planet, the usual stuff, terminal illness, gangs of hooded youth, bears, hippos, Martin Johnson, (any animal that can leave your corpse looking like a dropped lasangne), and more unusually, clowns, wasps and slippers, thats it. (A slipper wearing clown wearing a beard of wasps would send me into an instant piss and shit spraying cardiac arrest).

Outside of these, are two that represent an even scarier scenario to me than cancer spreading wasps. Zombies. Even though, according to most of the films, should the dead rise, you can simply walk briskly away from them, and eventually, all of their limbs will drop off, or, if one does catch you, you can just push it over and leave it snivelling and hissing on the ground like an Irish Uncle at a wedding. Worse than all of the above (for me) and the zenith of all my fears is Alien abduction, a topic I can barely even bring myself to talk about. I have done everything I can in life to prevent this happening, I have made sure I am intensively uninteresting, I have a pretty average life and job, I shut my window at night, and draw the curtains, in the false belief that a extra terrestrial species, despite having the ability to fly across space, will be deterred by a pane of glass with some cloth hanging over it, punching the air in frustration before making the journey back across galaxies (to their version of wickes to buy a hammer or something) and coming back to find I have moved house (I move pretty frequently).

I should be more worried about actual people getting in and doing experiments on me with their fists and taking all my electronic bounty and heading up to Cash Converters without a single thought for me, who now just lies and bleeps in a hospital, but for some reason, this doesnt fill me with anything like the dread of "space burglars".

My fear was not helped the other day when I had a very strange "dream" that I was lying on a "bed" with very powerful lazers being shone in my eyes every couple of minutes, I could feel the burn of them and I was unable to move, my under garments had been removed (but not my t-shirt?). I was not at a rave.

I woke up in the morning and felt a bit disturbed by the dream. Because of my age, it takes a while for my nerves to kick in when I get up, after a couple of minutes I was aware that I had a sore bottom, not curry or mexican sore, but more trauma sore. I froze and suddenly wondered if beings had taken me from my bed and performed the famous "anal probe" on me, and perhaps had given the job to a locum who didnt really know what they were doing, or knew much about human colo-rectal anatomy. I shuddered in horror and reluctantly told my girlfriend, while also wondering if I had sleep walked to a local "gay" establishment and inadvertantly got butt fucked to a thumping techno remix of relax by Frankie Goes to Hollywood. I thought this unlikely, but had to consider it, as I had once apparently sleep walked to Argos in Balham.

My girlfriend tried to comfort me by saying that she didnt see how Aliens could have abducted me from the bed without her noticing. I replied that a creature that has harnessed the power to traverse space would probably not be deterred by a girl from Essex. Again, like the window and curtain, I couldnt imagine them wasting a trip across space to be deterred by a girl.

I tried to push it to the back of my mind and get on with getting ready for work, and then I got thinking. Actually, yes my bum hurts, I've had worse (Tooting, curry, 2004, phaal) and actually, I felt quite honoured, I can barely make the effort to go and meet mates more than 2 miles from my house, but yet a species has ventured across the galaxy and come all the way to Kent to put alien technology up my arsehole? I should be proud, I hope my inner anus did our species proud and that they could go back to their world, possibly use my arse DNA to clone me and I would be replicated many thousands of times and form a brilliant race on another planet, where green and blue women (cloned from Gemma Arterton) would fight in oil for the chance to jump on my alien enhanced womb wand. Eventually, thousands of me would return to the earth and sort all the shit out on the planet (or destroy it, if I was in one of "those moods").

Then my self doubt kicked in, and I had the horrible thought that space pranksters had just beamed me out of my bedroom and performed a horrid drunken version of buckeroo on me, where they stuck various object into my anus to see who could do the most before I woke up, and they probably gave up shortly after sky remote. My poor shuddering intruded body being watched on a galactic version of youtube from various angles as they all filmed me on their 5g star phones jeering from their mandibles and shouting "stick him Johnny", or whatever the FUCK they are called.

Either way, I dont think there is anything we can do, any technology, such as a thicker mosquito net or ultraviolet light that could keep aliens out of our rooms (and arseholes). It kind of shows us up for what we are, upright monkies with Ipads, probably alien technology, the butt fucking/experiments are probably just payment for that, "here, Apple, have tablet technology with retina screens", "Whats the catch?" "We can basically arse violate anyone while they sleep". "Deal". Thats all great and that, but I dont even have a fucking Ipad?

So, there is a chance that my body has been violated by a torch fingered giant turd looking evil ET and I have inadvertently given away the weaknesses of human beings and we will eventually be taken over and used as food and fertiliser, so sorry about that.

Or, more likely, I had an itchy bum in my sleep and clawed it, got a bit carried away and put a finger up with a sharp nail?

We will never know, we will never know.

PS. If you are a film director and are interested in turning this into a film, a magical cross between ET and the accused, please contact me, I'm happy to play myself and for Gemma Arterton to play either my girlfriend or for one of the aliens my clones fuck, I am happy to do a real sex scene (for the purpose of artistic integrity). Alternitively I will accept 150 quid in cash or high street vouchers (not HMV.