You are still probably trembling from the destructive power of the Japanese Tsunami, so you probably don’t want to be hearing a damning indictment nay lament of Humanity, but regardless, here it is, have a read, I’ll try and make it funny despite comparing our own species to a desperately destructive arse cancer and damming all of us to a hot death at the hands of a rapidly expanding sun, or meteor, or a giant crab attack, I haven’t decided yet..
Let face it, as humans, shepherds of the planet, top of the food chain, king of the animals, we fucked up didn’t we, we did a right job on this planet, the collective “someone else will clean it up” attitude, sadly not elevating upwards higher than our own collective laziness and greed. Whilst in this blog, I'm not indicating the existence of a God, I have my own beliefs (which I don't peddle on others), but for the sake of comparison, I will just try and keep it to the fact that we are special creatures, a cut above, maybe we did just eat the marrow from the bones of animals and our brains grew and we became intelligent, or we are indeed, the offspring of an omnipotent force, or, and possibly the most plausible, we were apes that were fucked thousands of years ago by randy big headed long fingered thumby space rapists and they fucked off and forgot.
In any of these scenarios (the only 3 my tiny mind can stretch to) we are fucked.
1) Monkeys that ate marrow, OK, we’ve got all the way to this point, the apes that once scratched their arses, fucked all day and beat each other to death, are still doing pretty much the same, only clothed, we haven’t even invented a mechanical arse scratcher (unless you are Elton John, who married one). We’ve put all our collective energy into building bigger clubs to kill those who threaten us, or when we want to expand our areas, nuclear weapons, cluster bombs, nerve gas, well done, hats off, lets all go off and celebrate by watching the cameras mounted on bombs go off while we sit and scratch our arses, howling as our “enemies” are blown to shreds and fuck all night and forget.
2) If we are the angelic sprinklings of a higher force, shepherds of this wonderful garden of eden, everything we could possibly need to survive forever in paradise (apart from Birmingham and Mitcham, which would give evidence to the fact that Satan lives right underneath us and these places are his arse hair sticking out). God put us here, blessed and guided us by sacrificing his own son, and left us in paradise and went off to do other stuff that massively omnipotent beings do, you can imagine him in his workshop, speaking like Gandolf, wondering what the earthling star children were doing, peering back, jaw dropping and having that look like a parent walking back into a party their child has thrown where the invite as got out on facebook. Nobody on earth is big enough to take up responsibility to say, sorry, we will clean it up. Our greed and decadence and scant disregard for each other are wholly responsible for the fact that I’d imagine our own planet wants to scratch us off like fleas or chemo us off like a bloody arse cancer.
3) Or finally, and as plausible as anything else….One day, creatures came from the planet 237 excelsior quadrant, on a mission to map stars and seek out life on other planets, they came down and found us scratching our arses and banging each other across the skulls and fucking each other with no rules whatsoever. As they studied, they realised that despite our bum scratching head clubbing fucky ways, we fitted in to things around us, with our inherent stupidity we would keep our numbers down by doing things like tasting fire, and popping each others eye balls with our as yet unopposable thumbs.
The space beings watched, observed, took notes, and tried not to laugh. They logged the animals, the plants, the seas and they were going to go about their business and leave when one of them, who was frustrated in his own alien sex life, suddenly set his huge eyes on a female ape who was gathering rocks delicately by the river (to smash over a rivals face) and as she was bent down, her hairy arse wiggling in the as yet unpolluted earth breeze, suddenly became aroused, Dannic 223, the frustrated Xeton scientist, who after looking around for witnesses, stunned the poor ape (who didn’t have a name) and frankly space fucked her with his galactic cock prong. Returning to his team and making a hasty excuse to leave the planet, the Xetons buggered off back home to put video clips of the strange ape creatures on their version of “You’ve been framed” Leaving the poor ape pregnant with her hybrid twins.
Many thousands of years later (in earth terms) Dannic’s indiscretions were uncovered, when mobile phone footage emerged of him rear ending the poor earth creature, embarrassed, the Xetons dispatched a unit back to Earth to hope upon hope that they had not inadvertently interfered with our natural development. They had, and massively, they found the strange Halflings confused and desperate to return to their interstellar parents, the Egyptians and Mayan people had tracked the stars and had started to philosophise about our existence and meaning. Some species had inherited more ape than Xeton gene and were still beating each other and raping the shit out of their females, and scratching their arses in the sun all day, without gainful employment or direction, we would later come to know these as hoodies.
The Xeton visiting party worked hard at returning us to our ape roots and eventually the Egyptians and Mayan people were destroyed from the earth. The Xetons, realising that it would be impossible for them to completely scratch themselves from the arse of our memories, they gave us periodical gifts (in lieu of child support) these included television, Super Nintendo, the Iphone, and various technology to keep us happy for the day we discovered that our “daddy did a bunk” and we go after them with nuclear weapons and all the other destructive things we have invented with our half ape half alien minds.
And Dannic cried as he realised the magnitude of what he had done, he had created an arse cancer on the earth and the earthlings, as they where known, partied and scratched their arses, bombed each other to shit and they fucked and they fucked without a clue as to what they where, what they were doing, or where they were going. Very small minorities gathered to try and give they others direction but they wouldn’t listen, they were too busy drinking and fucking and playing with all the gifts that the Xetons gave them. The Earthlings did manage to create a few things without the Xeton gifts, these were Birmingham and Mitcham, proof that the earth has two arse holes.
The Xetons looked down and realised that there was no saving us and they left us as the Earth bubbled cracked and popped from all the abuse we had given her, and eventually the creatures known as humans faded away and where no more, the Xetons would never mention us again, embarrassed like parents of a ginger kid (male), and Dannic promised the Excelsior scientific research team that he would never put his space willy in any other creature, lest its intellect was high enough to do something more than lie there and grunt.
OK, three theories there, take what you will out of them, but the underlying message is, we fucked up people, and whilst its easy to try and distance yourself from the wreckage with limp excuses like “I recycle” “I brought a Prius” “I do yoga and have ethnically diverse friends” we ALL fucked it up, we are all to blame, a species that has literally been spoilt with art, music, literature and we still need to drop bombs on each other because we believe slightly differently, its fucking pathetic.
[You fucking arsehole, who are you to sit there in your high chair and damn us all?] Well, fuck you very much for asking, I’m nobody special, however, the fact that I wrote this has given me a get out of jail card so I’m enjoying a glass of wine and watching humans destroy themselves from a slightly elevated position at the moment, the flames will catch up with me no doubt, but for the moment, I’m watching gloating while you all fuck up. [Fuck you, you are just bitter because you are single and life hasn’t gone to plan, Xetons? you fuck wit, go and do something that makes you happy you faux intellectual, your grammar is awful, if you were in charge the world would have incinerated years ago with one of your hapless pissy fits, fuck you, fuck your silly little blog]. Fair point and well made...
Right, what to do now I hear you sigh despairingly (before you log off, arse scratch and fuck) well, I don’t know to be honest, the party is ending and I’m going out like its 1999, not as an excuse to drink lots, but I’m just going to leave no phrase unuttered, If I’m boiling to death next year, as the Mayans predict, I’m going out big time, which essentially means, a series of embarrassments, I’m no Charlie Sheen.
Laters.
