Well, its 21st December and I seemingly have survived a 13th end of the world (according to various c*nts), making me a bit of a legend, I believe that in each of these occasions, the world has tried to end, but I am too hard, and have survived, bringing my buddies through hell with me (you cunts) I am the son of Chuck Norris, I probably kicked the green barbed cunt out of an entire alien invasion while pissed last night, no biggie.
The scariest of these various endings was the millennium bug, when, on the stroke of midnight on 31/12/1999 every single facet of our life would come to a sudden fizzing end, revelers, once walking along the streets buzzing on Champagne and good times would have their spirits, and lives, literally crushed out of them by a sudden rain of Boeing 747's literally falling out of the sky like massive aluminum turds smashing anyone to death with still strapped in cadavers and a hail of duty frees. Anyone who was just innocently surfing the 1999 internet looking for a picture of a huge hairy 90's muff (who had the patience to wait 20 minutes while it downloaded) would have their computer suddenly explode in their face like a square glass ejaculating cock, killing them with shards of porn.
Microwave oven owners, on the stroke of midnight, would have their machines unplug themselves and waddle towards their owners like shit R2D2's, slamming their heads into the cooking compartment several times, like Vinnie Jones in the film lock stock and eventually cooking their faces until their eyes popped out of their skulls like spherical pop tarts. Mobile phone owners would go from sending pointless text messages and playing original nokia snake, to having a white hot brick of burning magnesium in their pockets and scream while it burnt through their trousers and into their innards, killing them slowly and painfully, and all while playing the original Nokia Ringtone.
It didn’t happen, nothing happened, a slush puppy machine stopped working in Woking, that was it, the Millennium bug was a massive big fat cock nosed lie.
Nostradamus' stuff passed without incident, some fat nosed velvet hat wearing cunt sat in a room, probably off his tits on Absinth, making millions of predictions like an alcoholic in Thornton Heath Ladbrokes. With the amount of crap he said, he was bound to get a few things right. For example, I am making predictions for the future right now...
Jessie J will die
Blackburn Rovers will never win another trophy ever
In 2088 A giant octopus will emerge from the Thames and finally destroy and put the Woolwich Ferry out of its misery
2027 - Sylvester Stallone will make a Rocky Movie, in which he fights for a world title from inside an cremation urn.
2045 - Louis Walsh will finally end his backward ageing and disappear inside a vagina for 9 months before finally turning into a sperm and flying out into a penis and never existing again, ever.
2014 - Jedward will end all the wars in the world with a frankly heart breaking version of "The Greatest Love of all" set to a catch keyboard style rap beat.
2015 - Jedward both get alopecia and go into hiding
2017 - You will still be pissing and moaning about your job and not bothering to get a new one
2013 - Southern Trains and Yodel, will be the worst companies on the planet earth
2014 - David Cameron is finally put back into the sea where he rejoins his pod of Dolphins from whence he came.
2014 - Every single TV star from the 70's and 80's is convicted of a child sex offence.
2999 - ITV screen a remake of Buck Rogers, but it is set in the past.
Pastors, frightening the wits out of the dumbest of the dumb, the religious cult god fearers who will listen to any old shit to fill the huge void in them with some semblance of hope or belonging, the shit for soul pastor getting them to part with all their money in exchange for avoiding the worst apocalypse of them all, the biblical one, a fate so scary that even film maker Jerry Bruckheimer couldn’t fathom. These dullards gathered around their place of "worship" holding each other, waiting for a Golden Chariot to sweep out of the sky, now penniless and conned to fuck husks watching their watches as the time of Armageddon passes innocently and without event, like every other minute in their empty pathetic lives, and finally, hearing the screech of the Pastors wheels as he flees to Vegas with all their cash to blow the lot of the frankly ungodly vices of drugs and whores. Nothing happened, the only end of the world being that the blinkered fuckwit "believer" now realised that he was an abject fucking idiot, the stupidest of the stupid, even more stupid that people who worship a rock, at least the rock is there, they can see it, its palpable.
Other deadlines came, the planets aligned which was supposed to vapourise the entire solar system, nothing happened, deadlines passed, asteroids never materialised, oceans never boiled, super volcanos didn’t explode the whole of America, everyone just went about their day, paid bills, spend money, drank beer, rubbed themselves off, ate dinner, slept, moaned about their commute, drank beer, checked eBay, nothing happened, no huge chorus of horns, no plague of locusts, no rain of fire, no rapture. It was all a bit shit really, as they usually are.
The large hadron collider was switched on inside a mountain, the resulting particles smashing together was either going to give us the secrets of our creating, or create anti matter which would suck all life on earth off..
The end will come one day, I mean for fuck sake, it’s like a larger version of watching a heroin addict or alcoholic kill themselves, its no big shock really, and that’s humans really, a massive swarm of parasitic heroin addicts, feeding draining self-obsessed stuff junkies, hooked on just accumulating shit, be it stuff from the Argos catalogue, or in the case of megalomaniac leaders, entire countries. If it doesn’t come from our own stupidity, a bunch of cunts in a mountain trying to recreate the big bang (the hint to not do this is in the title you fucking lab coat wearing cocks) it will no doubt come from somebody going "track and field" on the Nuclear button, or us eating ourselves out of existence, or, and more likely, a huge natural disaster.
The low-light of this week is realising just how many mentally unstable people there are on the planet, news of thousands of people flocking to a mountain in France, from which they believed that an alien spaceship would emerge and save them from the global destruction. You buffoons, any Alien here watching humanity is not going to give you a lift, you are an arse scratching monkey with an IPad, what possible good could you do off this earth apart from pollute another planet with your fucking stupidity and thrashing screaming offspring. No, if there were aliens in a mountain they are here to laugh while we desperately think of new ways to destroy ourselves, collectively clueless at any semblance of a long terms plan and still utterly charmed and open jawed befuddled by shiny gadgetry and the flashing lights, colours and sounds of TV and music. An alien craft giving you a lift would be as stupid, if not more stupid, than you, on a family trip to the seaside with your kids and suddenly deciding to give a lift to a rampant and starving baboon. In fact the entire creation of humans is just a protracted bit of footage on an alien version of You've been framed. Don't take humans seriously, we are fucking stupid, the very pinnicle of our being, creating a child can be summed up by the ridiculous faces we pull when we orgasm, fucking ridiculous.
Another low-light was the Sun Newspapers survival guide to the end of the world, penned, no less, by ex SAS soldier Andy McNab, telling you to dig a pit and get sandbags, stock up on corned beef, standard shit. It frightens me to think that people have wasted their time on this, people have lost sleep over this when countries are bending each other over and bully ramming them for their resources, and at any point, the entire human race is just a button push away from a huge toasting death by nuclear fire. You fucking idiots, stop looking outwards for the end, the end is staring at you in the mirror every day, tool.
In some ways, I kind of hoped something did happen, in my own nostalgic way, humans need a collective massive steel toe capped kick up the arse, something to make us realise that our petty squabbles are both needless and pathetic, something bigger than us, a huge event to shake us all to the core and realise that in a moment of abject incalculable terror that ANY human being gives as good a hug, regardless of race, creed, beliefs, orientation etc. and throw away our backward differences and just get cracking on the job of clearing up after the biggest party of all time, human beings. But sadly, nothing happened and we won't, we will carry on, consuming, ignoring, exterminating, and basically, apart from getting the debit card out during comic relief, not actually giving a monkeys ball bag about each other.
Right, now stop worrying and start living you upright monkey fucks.
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